Desperately
by louise4
Summary: “Is it wrong,” he spoke quietly, “to feel so happy after everything that has happened?” As the dust settles on the events of the sixth book, this looks at the mindset of several key characters. Slash and het.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER**: Nothing is mine. Unfortunately.

**AUTHOR's NOTES**: Here be spoilers for book six so beware. This is something that has been stuck in my head since reading _Half Blood Prince_ and I hope I've done the idea justice. _Almost_ every pairing is cannon, _almost_ every feeling is cannon. As such, you will find both slash and het pairings in the following.

The song that inspired this is _Desperately_ by _Michelle Branch_.

Enjoy.

Desperately

by Louise

**Hermione**

Hermione smiled as Ron's arm snaked around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him and offering warmth and comfort.

After spending so many years loving him from afar, Ron was finally by her side as more than a friend, and every time she looked her boyfriend she felt a thrill of pleasure running through her that felt wrong when all around her people were suffering.

'Is it wrong,' she wondered as she watched the sun setting over the lake, 'to feel this happy when things are so bad?'

Her best friend was steeling himself for a fight to the death, ready, if it were asked, to give his life to save the world that had already taken so much from him. Cedric's death had bruised him, the loss of Sirius had bloodied him and Dumbledore's murder had nearly broken him, but something told her that it was the loss of Ginny that would push him closer to the edge than anything else that had happened to him.

'I was miserable while he was happy, and now his world is falling apart and I can't help but think mine is finally coming together.'

The sun was setting fast now, quickly disappearing over the horizon, leaving darkness in its wake.

Darkness…logically that was all there was in the future now, because who really expects a teenager to defeat a grown man, a man with more power and darkness in him than any of us can really know.

And even if Harry did prevail, could somehow overcome the odds and once again be the Boy Who Lived, what would the cost be? How many more lives were still to be lost in the struggle against Voldemort? How was Harry to defeat one of the greatest wizards alive without succumbing to darkness himself?

The chances of all three of them were surviving were slim, every detached thought confirmed this to her, but still she had hope.

'And maybe that's what will carry us through. Hope, and love, and light. I feel stronger with Ron than I ever did without him, and Harry has always drawn strength from us. Professor Dumbledore told Harry that love was the one thing Voldemort could not understand, so maybe that is what will take us through.'

Ron shifted beside her, moving to stand behind her and take her properly into his arms. Resting her head on his shoulder, Hermione let out a small sigh of pleasure as he placed a kiss on the top of her head.

"Is it wrong," he spoke quietly, "to feel so happy after everything that has happened?"

"No."

Having finally said it, she found she believed it.

_And it's strange that things change _

_But not me wanting you so desperately _

0 0 0 0 0

**Remus**

Remus propped himself up on his right hand side to allow him a better sight of the woman who had forced her way into his heart and his bed.

Tonks was sprawled out on the sheets, shining brown hair fanned out across her bare back and covering most of her face. Entranced, he could not tell you how long her had spent just watching her sleep, watching the steady rise and fall of her chest and marvelling at the fact that this amazing woman wanted to be with him, had fought to be with him.

He'd watched Fleur announce her determination to stand by the man she loved without surprise, because no one who knew the two could have doubted how much the part-veela adored her fiancé. Even so, he knew he would never have made the link between their relationship and the one Tonks wanted with him if she had not forced his hand, and as he heard her tortured declaration of love he had felt his heart swell and had felt happier than he had done in years, at a time when he should have had no room for anything but grief.

_And it's strange that things change _

_But not me wanting you so desperately _

0 0 0 0 0

**Harry**

The fire in the Gryffindor common room was dying, slowly ebbing away and leaving him in darkness, but he couldn't seem to care. Looking down at the red head leaning on his shoulder, its owner totally relaxed in sleep, his heart broke a little bit more.

He hadn't even realised she wasn't upstairs and asleep like everyone else and as such had been caught off guard when she walked into the common room. He'd called out to her instinctively and she'd responded in the same way, smiling automatically and walking towards him.

He'd recollected himself even as he pulled her down next to him, wrapping himself around her, guarding her and shielding her if only from the cold.

"I'm sorry," he spoke quietly, "I keep trying to walk away but I can't."

"I'm not exactly pushing you away," she'd smiled sadly up at him. "You're leaving me, we both know that, but I'm not going to fight you if you want us to have more time."

"I want…" he laughed harshly, "I want this to be it for us, I want to spend every evening like this. I want to come back next year and people to call us HarryandGinny. I want us to fight and make up, I want us to be agonising about what will happen when I finish and you've still got a year left. I want us to make up and…and I want to propose. To get down on one knee and promise to love you forever."

He lifted his head and looked at her, fixing her face in his mind. "I want us to have lives instead of this freak show we are living." He looked away from her as he made his final confession, "I want to write to you when I leave."

"Do."

"I mean it Gin, I want to write to you and tell you what I'm feeling, because anything else would be too dangerous. I want to make sure you can't forget me while I'm gone. I want to stake my claim even though I know you won't be able to write back. I want to make sure you continue to care for me even though I could die. I want to be selfish, just for once."

"It's not selfish if I want it too."

She lay back in his arms after her firm pronouncement, closing her eyes and signalling an end to the discussion. Not at all sleepy now, he watched her slowly sink deeper into unconsciousness, rousing herself to murmur one last thing. "If you die, I'll bring you back and kill you myself. You're mine now Harry Potter."

His entire life was being upset and she was his anchor, she was the thing that would keep him going and keep him living.

And he was terrified at the thought that Voldemort would realise it.

But he couldn't let her go.

_And it's strange that things change _

_But not me wanting you so desperately _

0 0 0 0 0

**Bill**

Wide awake despite the late hour, Bill was trying to convince himself to leave Fleur.

He could still picture her tearstained face as she begged to be allowed to love him, and he hated himself a little for reducing her to that.

He knew he should be the strong one, be a man and set her free so she could love someone whole.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, stroking her head as she slept, "I'm just not strong enough to do this without you."

0 0 0 0 0

As she felt his mind quieten with his declaration Fleur smiled to herself and relaxed into Bill's touch, satisfied that he wouldn't fight her anymore.

One day she would tell him the truth, tell him how her whole life had been dominated by these oh so few Veela genes, tell him how they had called people to her and left her feeling like nothing but a possession, something to be owned for its beauty.

Then she would kiss him and tell him that the only time she had ever liked her looks was when they attracted him, because he was her mate in every way and she adored him.

Looks meant nothing to a Veela and Fleur would happily spend the rest of her life making sure that Bill understood how much more prized qualities like honesty, openness and humour were. Character was the real prize and her love for Bill was so much more than skin deep.

"You scars," she would tell him, "are simply proof of your heart and your bravery and I love them for that. They show me how determined you were to live, to come back to me." Then she would grin, teasing him with her final words, "anyway, I have looks enough for the both of us."

_And it's strange that things change _

_But not me wanting you so desperately _

0 0 0 0 0

**Draco**

Draco was standing quietly in the entrance hall at Malfoy Manner, waiting for his father to return to them, Voldemort having finally broken him out of Azkaban in return for Draco's role in Dumbledore's death.

As his mother turned to face him Draco smiled weakly because it was expected of him, but he did not know what he thought any more. Dumbledore's death had severely shaken the foundations he had built his life on, and he needed more than his mother's love to put his life back together again. He needed his father, the man whom he had idolised all his life was the only one who could rebuild him now. Draco knew without a doubt that it would take only a few words from father to clear the chaos in his mind and reassure his sense of certainty.

The thestrals had been the first blow. He'd known Potter could see them in fifth year, but he'd never really made the link between Diggory's death and the thestrals being revealed. Fleeing Hogwarts at Severus' side, he'd come up short next to the thestrals paddock, staring in horror at the sight before him, his quick mind supplying the explanation as to why he could see them.

Suddenly the enormity of what had happened hit him. He'd killed someone, maybe not by word, but by deed. Until then he'd been so proud of all that he had achieved. He alone had bought Death Eaters into Hogwarts and bought the great Albus Dumbledore to his knees. He had surely done more than Voldemort ever could have done. He had felt some shame that he couldn't kill Dumbledore, but now he realised that he had killed him. Without him, without his actions and his failure Severus would never have had to kill Dumbledore and they wouldn't be fleeing Hogwarts.

Father

One word, one thought had kept Draco going then, because his father was the last certainty in his life, and Draco knew that if his father approved of his actions then he could live with them.

Back at the manor he could have sworn that his mother was disappointed as he told his tale, that somehow she had hoped for a different outcome. Maybe it was his imagination however, though there was something in the teary 'thank you' she gave Severus that spoke of shattered illusions.

But what did it matter what mother thought as long as father approved.

Finally the door opened and Lucius walked in, looking exactly as Draco remembered, seemingly unaffected by his stay in Azkaban. Their eyes locked and for a moment Draco felt hope swell in his heart: father was home and everything was going to be alright.

"Severus," Lucius spoke warmly, clasping hands with his old friend, "thank you for once again clearing up Draco's mess. You are a true and valuable friend."

"The boy did well Lucius," Severus began only to be cut off.

"He failed." The words were harsh and uncompromising. "If it had not been for you the Malfoy named would have been severely tarnished."

Lucius turned to embrace his wife, overlooking his son completely. As his father and mother walked off hand in hand, Draco felt his whole world crumble around him.

'You could have made this right with a couple of words of praise,' he thought bitterly. 'I loved you, I believed in you and you destroyed all that without even looking at me. Do you even see me at all?'

Everything he had ever done had been with one aim: his fathers' approval and now Lucius had destroyed any hope he had of being accepted.

As Draco finally followed his parents into a life he didn't want but one he couldn't escape, he felt a hand resting on his shoulder.

He looked into Severus' sympathetic face and wondered at what he saw there.

_And it's strange that things change _

_But not me wanting you so desperately _

0 0 0 0 0

**Sirius**

In a place far from earth, where earthly troubles are forgotten, the dead wait for the living to join them, watching their lives with interest. Once there we see not only our own hearts and minds, but the hearts and minds of those we have left behind, and from the pain of missed opportunities or the pleasure of a life well lived we make our own heaven or hell.

Smiling serenely Albus Dumbledore headed over to where Sirius was sitting, watching Severus and Draco speed away from Hogwarts.

"He is an amazing man," Albus spoke quietly, gripping Sirius' shoulder with a surprisingly firm hand. "It will always be one of my greatest regrets that you never found each other in life."

"We did," Sirius spoke hoarsely, with a voice that sounded strained with emotion. "We loved each other and it nearly destroyed us because we didn't know how to express it. Even when I was…down there…I knew he loved me, and was fairly sure he knew I felt the same. Now I know he did. It was never our time, there was never any room for us to love each other down there, and now…"

Sirius trailed off. How the hell could he explain that part of him was longing for Severus' death because it was only in death that they could be together?

"Draco is the only thing keeping him alive now," Albus was using his most matter of fact voice as he spoke of the pain he had helped bring to his potions master. "Saving Draco is his mission now, but when Voldemort is defeated, when they finally have peace…you will never be replaced in his heart Sirius, and he will truly get his reward in the afterlife."

_And it's strange that things change _

_But not me wanting you so desperately _

**The End**

So, what did you think?

The whole song…

_Something 'bout the way you looked at me_

_Made me think for a moment,_

_That maybe we were meant to be_

_Living our lives separately_

_And it's strange that things change_

_But not me wanting you so desperately_

_Oh why can't I ignore it?_

_I keep giving it in but I should know better_

_'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me_

_And it's strange that things change_

_But not me wanting you so desperately_

_You looked my way and said "you frustrate me"_

_Like you're thinking of lines and times_

_When you and I were you and me_

_We took our chance out on the street_

_Then I missed my chance_

_And chances are it won't be coming back to me_

_Why can't I ignore it?_

_I keep giving in, but I should know better_

_'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me_

_And it strange that things change_

_But not me wanting you-_

_So desperately_

_So desperately_

_I keep giving in but I should know better_

_I keep giving in but I should know better_

_So desperately_

_I want you so desperately_


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER**: Nothing is mine. Unfortunately.

**AUTHOR's NOTES**: This is an outtake from the previous story. I was going to start with this, then dithered about so much it didn't fit in anywhere. I like it though, so it is here.

**Severus**

He'd just killed Dumbledore…he'd just _killed_ Dumbledore.

'_I'm sorry'_… Dumbleodre's voice echoed in his head just as it had done up on the astronomy tower, _'I'm sorry it's come to this Severus. I've killed myself for nothing. The mission was a failure, I haven't saved Draco and now I'm throwing you to the wolves. Do it…please."_

Then aloud Dumbledore had begged, for life it seemed to everyone else, but Severus knew he was pleading for death, knew exactly what this great man had been reduced to.

And he'd killed him, begging for forgiveness even as he spoke the words aloud.

Looking down at the boy running beside him Severus felt another pang of grief and guilt. Saving Draco was the only mission he had left now, the only reason for him still being here at all. If he could take this boy and remould him into something different, into the person his mother wanted him to be rather than the person his father had idly fashioned then some good might have come out of all of this, but it was a slim hope to cling to.

There was a tiny glimmer of hope to cling to, he told himself, because Draco hadn't done it. Draco couldn't kill Dumbledore and maybe that meant he was finally growing, finally changing into someone his mother could be proud of, someone worthy of the Back blood.

A picture of Sirius flew into his mind and Severus had to fight back the emotion as he remembered the man he had loved without ever having had him. It had taken him years to read the look in Sirius' eyes every time they fought, allowing himself to be deceived by the harsh words because it was easier to believe that he had no hope of succeeding.

We never knew how to love each other, did we? We couldn't push past our circumstances, we couldn't _talk_ to each other.

For a long time Severus had clung to that fact as proof that he was imagining their shared feelings, because it was easier to accept their fallacy rather than their impossibility. Truth forced itself in, however, and even now, running for his life after killing his mentor, Severus found himself thinking of Sirius, wanting to be worthy of the love he knew the other man had held for him in life.

My entire world is tilting and still I think of him, he chastised himself firmly, pulling his thoughts back to the present after allowing himself one final prayer. I love you and I'll be with you soon, Sirius, and then maybe we'll know.

_And it's strange that things change _

_But not me wanting you so desperately _


End file.
